Ep.6: Unravelling Change: Why Your Next Step Feels Out of Reach

Episode Transcript

Recap: Why Change Is So Difficult

Welcome back to the Wisdom Practice Podcast. I hope you guys are all doing amazing. It's decently early here, so let's see how my voice holds up.

In a previous episode I talked a lot about change, why it's so difficult for a lot of people, and why embracing change is really important. I recommend you go back and watch that, because I want to keep going on this topic, I think it's really important.

Just to give you the recap: change is so difficult for a lot of people because, in the mind's eye, change is the unknown. To change something, you have to let go of what you were and open yourself up to what you want to be, and there are two parts to that. The mind doesn't like the unknown, because in a protective lens, the unknown is danger, so it will try to protect you by keeping you away from it. On the other hand, change means letting go of something. Your current reality has to change for you to change, you have to step into a different environment, a different experience. If you're attached to something in your past, whether it's a car or a relationship, changing is going to be difficult, because you're looking for yourself in that thing, part of you is in that thing, so leaving it behind is extremely difficult.

I wanted to keep going on this topic because everyone's going through change at the moment, and in the past few years it hasn't usually been change we decide on our own, it's change that life comes and says, yeah, you have to do this now. So I think this is as good a time as any to really understand change and re-understand how we can start living with it.

Big Change vs Small Change

If there's something in your life you want to change, a desire you have, maybe you want to quit your job and start a business, maybe you want to get out of a relationship that's become toxic or just isn't serving you anymore, maybe you want to move house and you just can't seem to get there. There's a goal you've had in mind for a while, and every now and then some voice in your head says, I don't know if I'm ever going to reach that. That's a really hard thought to have, or it just seems like a pipe dream.

I don't want to explain that away, because if you have that thought or belief, it doesn't have to be true that it's just a pipe dream, it doesn't have to be true that you can never reach it. All those voices in your head don't have to be true. It's just that what you want is so different from what you have, so much into the unknown, that your mind is going to resist it a lot. When there are small changes, your mind can kind of guess and extrapolate, predict that this will be safe because you've had experience with something related in the past. Changing your car normally isn't that difficult, because your mind has experience with cars, it understands the belief around that subject.

But let's say you want to change something big, go from working a nine-to-five to owning a business, being an entrepreneur, that's such a huge change your mind doesn't have any beliefs around it, or maybe the ones it does have are negative, like, I need a stable income, I don't know how to do that, I don't know how to sell. So it's going to resist more, simply because it's so different. That's why, like I said in the last episode, starting with small change really helps, it convinces your mind that you're adept at handling change, because you are handling change, and the only way to change is to change.

You Can't Fix a Problem From the State That Created It

I wanted to give an approach to dealing with bigger change, not just change we have to do, but change we want, a level of living we have a desire for but for some reason haven't gotten to yet. A lot of us are living out of fear, and that fear is holding us back from the life we really want.

So think about something you really want that seems like a pipe dream, honestly, and that's okay to say, something you've wanted for a long time, something you think would be amazing to have and it's just not coming into your existence, not manifesting, not realizing itself. The reason it seems so impossible is, yes, you have beliefs around it, you just don't know what to expect, it's a completely different way of living, so different that you resist it.

But on a more practical level, the reason it seems so impossible is because you've conditioned yourself to living the way you're living, and your mind is conditioned around that way of living. You're very adept and skilled at your routine, your work, your relationship, because you're comfortable with it. Taking a scientific perspective, when you're stressed, when you spike, your prefrontal cortex shuts down, you lose reasoning, you lose the ability to be creative, because your body goes into fight or flight, and creativity isn't useful there, it's more useful to be able to run or fight. I'm sure you've experienced this, when you get stressed your vision goes from 180 degrees to about two degrees, it closes in around you, your breathing gets shallow, and you freeze. You can't make a change from that level of mind, from that state of fear and anxiety, you can't fix a problem at the same level of mind that created it.

But when you're comfortable with something and that stress response goes down, your mind opens up, and suddenly you can be really creative, finding amazing ways of dealing with problems you never would have thought of, and life becomes really easy and flowing. This is why you have your best ideas in the shower, or on a long run, or anything else that's relaxing to you. There's no situation where you're more relaxed than the shower, your body is open, your mind is open, there's no stress response, and suddenly you start connecting dots and finding answers to questions you've had for a while.

Then, when you want to change your job and start thinking about it, that stress response comes back, because the fear comes in, I need money to feed my family, I need my house, I need my rent, and your vision goes from 180 to two degrees again, and you go back into that state of fear and anxiety, and like I said, you can't fix a problem from that state, your mind is essentially shut down. Then you wonder why you can't do this, and that's why, and you get even more stressed because it seems so impossible, it's only impossible from the state you're in. When you're in love, or hopeful, or you've had an amazing day, what you see as possible is extremely different to what you see as possible when you're stressed or scared or anxious. Different levels of mind have different perspectives, and that's what I want you to understand.

The next time you have that fear of I can't do this, I don't know how to even start, ask yourself, is this true? That's the basis for everything in self-awareness, asking, is it true? It may feel true because you're acting out of stress, out of fear, but next time you're in a really great mood, something amazing has happened and you're over the moon, think about it again. Can I do this? Can I actually quit my job and start a business? Can I actually leave this relationship? Am I worthy of having what I want? I promise you, your answer may still have a little fear in it, but you'll have so much momentum from feeling great that your perspective will change, and suddenly it won't seem as impossible. That's the key to change, make it easy for yourself by trying to change in a state where it's possible, not trying to use willpower to force yourself to change when you really just want to curl up because you're scared, focusing on all the issues, all the problems, all the things that can go wrong. This is why focus is everything, what you focus on, you'll get.

Look Where You Want to Go, Not Where You're Going

There's a story about F1 drivers when they're training. There are two of them in the car, the instructor and the student. He's going around the lap, and the instructor has this custom-built car with a button that lifts one of the wheels a little above the ground, causing the car to spin, because every driver needs to know how to recover from a spin, and he clicks it when the student least expects it. The student's really comfortable, driving around lap after lap, feeling pretty great about himself, and then, just like life does, when you least expect it, when everything's going great, life hits that button, the wheel comes off the floor, the car spins, and you freak out.

When you're in that fearful state, it's okay, it happens to everyone, I'm not saying don't be scared, that fixes all your problems, but when you're scared, what you focus on is extremely important, because when you're spinning, where do you look? Most people, when they're spinning and going toward a wall they can see getting closer and closer, all they do is look at the wall, and then what happens, they hit it, they crash. It's the teacher's job, when someone spins out, to get that student to look where they want to go, not where they're going, physically turn the student's head toward the road. That's where you want to go. And what happens? When all you do is look where you want to go, your body gets in line, your mind gets in line, and suddenly you're recovered.

You Can't Create Something Magnificent From a Place of Fear

So next time you're in a fearful state, it's okay, first of all it happens to everyone, don't let it convince you that what it's telling you about why you're feeling that way has to be true. Focus on what you really want. Forget about whether it's possible in your mind, forget about the plan, forget about how much money you need, forget about what people are going to think, at this level of mind you can't make those decisions productively. Just think, where do I want to go, where do I want to be. Keep thinking about it, and your mind and body will get in line, and the feeling of being that way, in that situation, that new house, that new relationship, will start to overpower, and it won't be straight away, it won't be the first time. This is something you have to condition, like a muscle. But I promise, if it's something you can do, it's so powerful, because you're conditioning yourself to not be scared, or even if you are scared, to not believe it, or believe what it's telling you, and to say to your mind, I don't care how I feel, this is where I want to go.

So the key takeaway is: when you feel like it's impossible, it is, for that person, for that level of mind. You can't create something incredible from a place of fear. If you want to create something magnificent, you have to be magnificent, you have to feel magnificent, they're just different vibrations, fear can't be happiness, happiness can't be fear. So when you're in that state of fear or anxiety, it's okay that what you want seems impossible, that's your truth at that point, but it doesn't mean it is the truth. When you accept that, when you accept it's just the way you're feeling, not the truth, the pressure comes off, and suddenly you stop worrying about whether you can do this, and you start dealing with what's actually in your hands, your state, how you feel. Then focusing on what you want can help you condition yourself into a state of openness, happiness, and love.

Stop, Feel It, Then Plan

That's what I wanted to say in this episode, a little inspirational talk, I guess. But if you feel like you want to change and it's just not happening, forget about the plan for a second. I had the same issue, when I wanted to change something, I love planning stuff out, I made a whole plan, what I didn't realize is I was planning from fear.

Fear manifests in different ways, don't just think of fear as fear, it can manifest as tiredness, frustration, procrastination. It's really hard to plan when you're in that state, everything that can go wrong goes wrong, your mind wanders off, you don't want to do what you're doing, and you go into a downward loop, I can't do this, I just can't do it. I have a plan, I know what I want to do, but it's not happening, and then you get more annoyed with yourself. But when you accept that actually it's not that you can't do this, it's just that your body is really resisting right now and spending its energy fighting itself rather than planning things out, don't try to plan from that state, you're just going to annoy yourself.

When you notice, okay, I'm procrastinating right now, stop, stop in your tracks, take ten or fifteen minutes, sit down, breathe, and think: where do I want to be? Why am I doing this? What life do I want to live? And really feel it, put some music on, close your eyes, imagine what it will be like to have that, and sit until you feel like you have it, then come back and plan. When you're not stressed, when that cortisol response goes down, your mind opens up, and something that would have taken ten hours in a stressed state takes you ten minutes in a less stressed state. That's what's going to create the momentum to go forward.

My Own Experience Recording This Podcast

I never know what I'm going to say in these podcasts, but I'm glad this came out the way I wanted it to, and it flowed. It's the same thing when I started these podcasts, obviously there was stress there because I'd never done it before, never had anything remotely close to it, so my mind couldn't even extrapolate, couldn't try to understand what was going on, it was a completely new experience. It took me three or four hours to record my first episode, and that episode was only fifteen minutes long. The second one still took three or four hours, the third one was a lot better, and this one again is a lot better.

I wasn't getting annoyed at myself, saying, for God's sake, why can't I record this, it should be easy, that's where your mind gets you, with "it should be." I just kept going with the process and was okay with those small steps. I did the same thing, I'd say, okay, I'm feeling stressed, the words aren't coming out, I'm stumbling, I'm having to cut out big chunks of what I'm saying. Why is this happening? Is it true that I can't speak? No, I've been speaking my entire life, okay, so it's not that. Is it true that I don't know what I'm talking about? No, I've been practicing this since I was sixteen, I know what I'm talking about. So what is it, what's the truth? The truth is I'm stressed right now, and when you're stressed, nothing flows, because your body doesn't care about podcasting, it cares about, okay, there's some threat here, I need to get ready to run, because the mind doesn't know the difference.

So next time you're stressed about doing something, and I didn't even get into the other tools I wanted to talk about today, I'll save that for a different episode, it's another long lecture for me, but when you're feeling stressed like that, take a step back and ask yourself, is it true, what my mind is saying to me right now, that it's impossible, is it true? Then focus on what you want to be doing, where you want to be. Let your body know it's actually okay, the stress isn't justified. Your body would rather be on the safe side, put out that stress hormone even if there isn't an actual threat around, because imagine you're actually about to get punched or mugged and your body says, actually, it's not that stressful right now, I can relax, how's that going to work for you? So be thankful for it.

I hope you guys enjoyed this episode, I definitely enjoyed talking about it, and I really want to know if these tools and these talks help. I want to understand what you're going through, and then talk about that, so I can help you the most, not just talk about things from my perspective, but from where you are right now.