Ep.37 - What if we're all Addicted?

Episode Transcript

What if addiction isn't what you think?

What comes up for you when I say the word addiction? Take a second to see how your body reacts, because addiction is a really heavy word. Part of us tenses up, part of us wants to run away, we'll dismiss it out of hand because our mind goes straight to alcohol, drugs, etc. — something life-destroying, something you see in movies. So straightaway we think, I don't have that problem, I can ignore this topic completely.

But what if addiction isn't what you think? I think it's possibly one of the most misunderstood topics in society. So whether you think you have any addiction or not, give me a few minutes, and it may just change the way you see your behavior. Because if you've ever done something repeatedly that you weren't happy about, that you kind of regretted afterwards, in a small or big way, what if that was also an addiction?

If you think about it, addiction is just compulsive behavior. It's a behavior you find yourself repeating whether you like it or not, whether it serves you or not. And if you think about it that way, the heaviness of the word falls off a little, and the shame it carries too, because if all it is, is a behavior you're doing even if it doesn't serve you, that ranges from alcohol and drugs to going on your phone too much. In that sense, I bet basically all of us are addicted in some way.

Think about what else in your life you're doing, maybe not compulsively, but repeatedly, and maybe you know at some level it doesn't serve you. That could be procrastination, staying up too late, checking your phone first thing in the morning, eating too much, eating too little.

I'm starting this episode this way because the biggest problem with addiction or compulsive behavior isn't the lack of control, isn't the craving, isn't the desire to do something and then feel like you can't stop. It's the shame. It's the shame of feeling like I'm just not good enough, I can't help myself. And so when you put it in the lens of not just alcohol and drugs and the serious things, but also the simpler things, it takes the edge off, gives you and those around you some more compassion, because suddenly everyone is dealing with it.

So if you feel on some level that you have an addiction or compulsive behavior, and you've felt so alone because of it, think of it that way. Maybe yours is different or more serious, doesn't really matter, but everyone has compulsive behavior they just can't stop.

It's the shame

The biggest thing blocking you from making the change you want to make is, again, the shame. It's the shame because you don't even want to look at it. How can you change something if you don't want to look at it, if you don't even want to see it? It's like going to a barber with a blindfold on — on the barber, I mean. Yeah, that's not gonna end well.

And so the biggest misconception is that addiction is a disease. It's not a disease. Actually, there's nothing wrong with you at all. I know that sounds crazy — I don't want this episode to be a motivation thing of just try harder, you're doing fine, just try harder, that's bullshit, I think that's terrible advice. But just play with the thought for a second that maybe there's nothing wrong.

Addiction is a symptom, not a disease

Addiction is a symptom, not a disease. It is a symptom of one of your needs not being met. Take a second and let that sink in. Your pursuit of this behavior, this compulsive behavior, is you trying to fill a need. That doesn't feel so crazy now, does it? It doesn't feel like something's wrong with you, because it's a human need. It's like going to someone and saying, don't drink water for 10 days, and then when they try, you call them addicted.

Now maybe you could feel that need in a more sustainable way, or a better way — fine, we'll get to that. But at the end of the day, it's a need. Whether it's connection, certainty, independence, or importance. One of the biggest reasons we feel that need isn't met is because this world is kind of messed up, and it's hard to actually get connection in a meaningful way, to feel important in a meaningful way, or feel certain about things. To paraphrase a famous quote, it is no achievement to be well adjusted to a dysfunctional society. Because do you think there was addiction in caveman times, or in tribes? The foundation is we are living in an unsustainable way of society, and so it is creating an unsustainable way of living.

My intention with all of that is just to disarm what may be going on in your mind right now, because with shame, or with any kind of really heavy emotion like that, no logic will ever make sense — because all we think is, I'm not good enough, what have I done? And actually the hardest thing is not even so much that I can't control myself, or I can't help myself, or I'm not good enough. It is the effect we have on those around us. Because when you're in that low emotional state, which maybe you are when you focus on this behavior, that emotion is so heavy and so all-consuming that we just think this is what we deserve. See if that feels true for you — we just think, I'm useless, this is what I deserve, this behavior is what I deserve.

So the fact that we're doing this behavior is not actually the worst thing. The worst thing is seeing the effect it has on those around us. And that's also where the shame kicks in, because we can't even talk to them about it, or at least it's very difficult to, because how can we confront that, how can we confront the damage we've done? Everything I'm saying, take into your own experience — maybe the behavior you're thinking about is pretty innocuous and doesn't really have any effect on anyone else. Maybe it does. The reason I started the episode this way is to take the edge off that shame, because if you aren't willing to look at it, if you aren't willing to confront it, nothing will change. And when you see it as just filling a need, maybe it allows you to look at it without trying to push it away so much. Then we can actually get into changing it, if you want to, which is the next part of this episode.

Willpower is pushing a boulder up a hill forever

So what do you do when you feel you have a behavior that is somewhat compulsive and isn't serving you? This will apply whether it's you staying on your phone too much, or you having a drinking problem — the foundation is the same. Most of the advice you probably will hear, or maybe have gone through yourself, is build a routine, connect deeper with the reason why you're doing this, the reason why you want to change, the impact it will have — essentially, use your willpower.

Depending on how many of my episodes you've watched, you may know at this point I'm not a massive fan of willpower. I think it has its purpose, I think it's great, but it is pushing a boulder up a hill forever and thinking that's the best way. Because with willpower, by definition, it's resistance, it's fighting something. And why should we have to fight something? If there's someone else on this planet who has never dealt with the form of addiction or compulsive behavior you're dealing with, and therefore doesn't even have the inclination, they're not fighting anything, are they? They're not currently or consistently resisting the urge to go on their phone, or resisting the urge to drink. It's not even a thought in their mind.

If you have two people, one a recovering alcoholic, the other one who has never drunk in his or her life and never even wanted to, and you put a bottle of vodka in front of both of them, the facts are the same — they're both probably looking at the bottle of vodka — but the internals are completely different. One person is having the fight of their life in their head, the other is most likely at some level of peace. So would you rather be person A or person B? That is my goal — I want you to get to a point where there's no resistance because there's no urge, no inclination, and I truly believe that's possible with whatever you're going through.

So willpower, definitely use it, it will have its moments that will shine, but don't rely on it as a long-term strategy. The question is, how do you go from something taking up so much space in your mind every single day, to not even thinking about it?

Treat this as a science experiment

I'm not going to give you some philosophy on that, I want to make it really practical. The next time you're going through this experience of compulsive behavior, see how it starts, see where it starts. See if it starts in your mind, or if it starts in your body. See if it starts as a thought, or as a feeling. I'm going to bet it starts as a feeling — some itch, wherever in your body, that then starts to feed the thoughts of, oh, maybe I could do this, maybe I could go back to that ice cream, back to my phone, or back to whatever it is. And just watch it — for now, just watch it.

Write down the feelings, write down what feelings start this entire process. There's no need to stop, there's no need to use your willpower. Treat this as a science experiment — that is the beauty of self-awareness, it's kind of like a science experiment. You can even write down whether there were any triggers around you that maybe started it — maybe you saw someone else eating ice cream. I know, terrible example, but I just want to paint the picture.

The more you do this, and the more you treat it from an experiment point of view rather than shame — and that's again why I started the episode that way, because none of this works if you're stuck in shame. You can't think rationally if you're stuck in shame. Everything will be filtered through the belief of I'm not good enough, and therefore what's the point, and therefore nothing will work.

And to go on a little tangent before I go back — that's why compassion is so important. With the word addiction, it's so stigmatized that it's hard to feel compassion for it. We think addiction is a moral failure, that people just don't want to change, they don't want to try hard enough, they're hurting those around them because they don't care. And maybe if you're on the other end of that, maybe you feel that way — if there's someone in your life who's doing some compulsive behavior that isn't serving them, and therefore not serving you. Compulsive behavior means literally anything, any pattern you have in a relationship. If you get into an argument and then you have a habit of walking away, that's a compulsive behavior, and it probably isn't serving you.

When you think of all of it that way, it brings the compassion back, because suddenly it goes from this moral failure that only I'm dealing with, to wow, everyone's dealing with this on some level. Everyone knows what it feels like to have a behavior they're doing that they don't want to do anymore, and it's just too comfortable to stop, or too familiar to take the risk and try something else. When you bring that compassion back, the shame kind of goes away a little, and you can start to look at it. And when you start to look at it, you can start to change it — not from a place of judgment, from a place of curiosity. Hence, science experiment.

So feel where that compulsion is starting from. Write down any triggers you may feel, and when that compulsion comes up, write down the emotions, and do that for a good amount of time. Do it for a few days or a week, and you may start to see patterns — wow, all of this is driven by this emotion of frustration, or this emotion of guilt. Now you're getting somewhere, because you may not even know why you do this behavior. Not really. Maybe you never asked. Maybe it was just taught to you that it's a bad behavior, that it's wrong, whatever word you want to use, and therefore you never looked at it properly, because you didn't want to look at it, because it was wrong. So you just push it away, which is normal. But I'm inviting you now to look at it, because it's not wrong.

Where is this emotion coming from?

When you do that, and you have an idea of what emotion is driving all of this, or what need rather, then ask: where is this emotion coming from? What's triggering it? Not physically — I mean mentally, psychologically. What is triggering this? What is causing this emotion to even be here in the first place?

Just to dispel a misconception: people think our emotions are the truth. We feel something, like we feel hungry, therefore it is the truth, I have to eat. No. It is an alarm bell. It's not the truth — if anything, emotions are a response to a stimulus in your past. It's just a thought that you thought so much, it turned into an emotion, it turned from conscious to subconscious. So if you feel something, it doesn't make it true, it makes it true for you, because your body has already experienced that, and so it has gotten smarter at recognizing that experience. If that doesn't make too much sense, that's fine, that's just a side note. I want this to be practical, not theoretical.

So ask yourself, where is this emotion coming from? What am I missing in my life that is causing me to self-soothe with this behavior? Because if this compulsion is just you trying to fill a need, then you must feel like your need is unmet somewhere in your life, and therefore you need to soothe that with something, to regulate that with something. It's often a lot easier — let's say you're looking for connection — to talk to some random person on the internet, compared to going out and approaching someone in the real world. That's the difference. Long-term, one is obviously more sustainable and more satisfying and healthier, but the body doesn't know about long-term and short-term. All it knows is there's an emotion here, I feel some urge, I need to find a way and fix that.

But the misconception is that you have to regulate it or fix it with something outside of you. What if you could regulate it just by feeling it? Have you ever tried that? Next time you're hungry — this is an interesting experiment, and it's easier than doing it with this emotion — sit there and just feel your stomach, feel it rumble, feel the hunger, and practice watching it. Practice not getting up straight away and getting some food.

The reason I'm asking this is because over time you become a little less attached to your emotions. You start to see there's a bit of space there, and if there's space there, that means you don't have to act through them all the time. This is more of a long-term thing — I don't mean this is the way to deal with your compulsive behavior right now, but if you want a long-term solution, you just have to feel it. The term you can use is expression through feeling — you can actually release that emotion by feeling it, which is really cool, and I have another episode that goes into this. You may realize when you start just watching that hunger, over time it kind of goes away a little. It will get really intense beforehand, don't get me wrong, and you may want to stop doing it at that time, which again is normal, but afterwards it'll kind of die down. Anyway, that's just a long-term project for you.

You're dealing with an emotion, not an addiction

In the meantime, this is all about reflection — all about understanding, what am I trying to get from this behavior? What is it really looking for? But your body is really, really smart, and so everything it does, it does for a very specific reason. Just start asking repeatedly: what is this reason? And as soon as you find that reason, then ask, okay, well, going back to that example with talking to people online — if I'm looking for connection and I'm doing it through dating apps or online chat, whatever — okay, it serves the same purpose, you're connecting with people, but you know logically that it's not sustainable long term. What else can I do? What else can I do so that could, in the meantime, or maybe on top of this, help with this need, fill this need?

The trick is to find something with the least amount of resistance possible, because there's a very big difference between the mentality of someone who's saying, let's just go talk to some woman online, compared to one who's then saying, huh, let's actually go outside and meet one. This will get you so much further than you may think — it may sound a little tedious, or like, okay, obviously, but do it anyway and see. Because at the end of the day, you're not dealing with an addiction, you're dealing with an emotion, and that takes the edge off a bit, doesn't it? You're not dealing with an addiction, you're dealing with an emotion. You can deal with emotions, right? We spend our entire lives switching between emotions, we all know how to. We're just under the illusion that it's something outside of us that's doing it for us, whereas no, we're the ones switching between happy and sad, between frustrated and angry.