Ep.33: How do you know you're making the right choice?

Episode Transcript

How do you know you're making the right choice?

How do you know that you're making the right choice? Seriously, how do you know? How do you know that out of these two options you have, this is the right one? That this is going to get you to the life that you want?

We may not think about it literally in that sense, but it's a question we face every day. The way you know you're facing it is every time you overthink, or every time you worry, or every time you procrastinate — what you're really telling yourself is, I'm not sure this is the right decision. Some part of you isn't aligned with it.

Imagine what your life would be like if everything you did, you had absolute certainty about — this is the right thing for me to do right now, I am pouring all of myself into this because it is the right thing. The conviction you'd have in your life. You can imagine what would happen because of that. How do you get to that point?

It's impossible to know

Because it's impossible to know. It's impossible to know that out of these two jobs I'm choosing, for example, this is the right one to go for. Sure, you can create a pros and cons list, you can measure the distance you'd travel, the money, all these things, but that doesn't mean anything.

It's difficult because we've spent our entire lives trying to understand the situation and make decisions based on logic, deciding based on what we think is the right thing, but it's never going to paint a full picture. So we guess, or make an educated guess, and that's when the worry kicks in, and the anxiety kicks in.

Ask yourself: if I had absolute certainty that the decision I'm making right now is going to get me to the life I want to live, would I feel anxious? Would I feel worried? And if you can never know — of course you can't, we haven't got control over that — you could pick the most amazing job in the world, think it'll give you exactly what you want, and the day after, the company goes bankrupt. You just can't know.

Why am I really doing this?

So what can you do? That got me thinking about why we do what we do, why we do anything. It's not always clear to us why we're doing something — we just kind of do it because it's familiar, we were taught to, it's what others are doing, it just makes sense. Maybe that's where the anxiety comes in. Maybe that's where the angst comes in, because we never took the time to really understand: why am I doing this?

Why are you listening to this podcast? Why are you going to work every day? Deeper than just what the mind tells you — because the mind will tell you, oh, it's a good podcast, I hope, or it's the money and you need to live and you need to do all these things. But see if you can get to the feeling behind that thought. There's always a feeling there, but I think a lot of us aren't trained to look for it.

Close your eyes and ask yourself: why am I doing this? Choose any part of your life where you're unsure, any part that brings up anxiety or procrastination. Ask yourself, why am I really doing this? Do your best to ignore the mind — ignore what it says and just focus on the feeling. It helps if you close your eyes and bring your chin down to your chest; this kind of cuts off the mind a little. It's why when you watch people being hypnotized, they drop their head — same reason.

Watch the feeling and see if you can label it. What is it? It may take time, because we're not used to that. But you'd be surprised how much of the time that feeling is fear, to some degree. You don't have to overcomplicate it, you don't have to judge it. Try to ignore the mind, because the mind will try to justify things — it's very good at that. The feeling is the real truth in this moment. The mind can lie, but your feelings can't.

Most of my life is driven by fear

If it's fear, take a second and think about what that means, and where else in your life you're operating from that same feeling. That hits hard — when you realize that most of your life is driven by fear. That's why I'm at this job, that's why I'm doing things this way, that's why I never went for this goal or spoke to that person.

Maybe the reason people don't go into it is because we don't want to even think that fear is driving our life — because then what do we do? I don't mean fear as in terror. I think people misunderstand the word. I just mean fear as a mindset of things are going to happen to me, a mindset of I haven't got control over this, I haven't got any power over this. So you're reacting, not responding. You're always on the back foot, as they say, kind of just reacting to whatever life throws at you.

It makes so much sense in the moment why you'd go for the steady job, or wouldn't speak up about something, or wouldn't make a fuss — because in the moment the emotion is driving you, and it feels like the safe bet, and safe is known, it's familiar. But when you look back on it and think, why didn't I say that, why didn't I speak up — and it happens again and again to the point where we stop questioning it. We think: this is me, this is who I am. And the mind tries to make stories around it: I'm a kind person, I don't speak up. I'm a nice person, I don't make people feel uncomfortable. I'm reliable, I have the steady job, which means I can help people when they need it.

The mind is very good at telling stories to avoid the fact that if you had full control over your life — if you were in a video game, the player, on sandbox mode, and could do whatever you want — you wouldn't have chosen what you've chosen right now. You'd be in a different life. So to some degree, if you haven't chosen what you're living, if you're settling in that sense, you're driving from fear.

I don't mean to say that you should have everything you ever wanted and if you don't, you're a failure. No, that's not what I mean. I mean have the clarity on why you're doing something. It's okay to be doing something out of fear. You won't hear many people say that, but it's fine, it's not a big deal — as long as you're aware of it, as long as you're clear that the reason I didn't do that is because I'm scared. That's okay, because we're human and it's part of the experience.

But if you don't know, and things keep happening to you and you don't know why, that's when the procrastination and fear and anxiety and all these other mind games come in, because you don't know who you are. You can know in your heart, I don't want to deal with this right now, I'm scared of that and so I'm going to avoid it. That's okay, and when you're ready you'll come back to it.

What is the dominant emotional force in my life?

But it's worth asking: where am I driving from in my life? What is the dominant emotional force in my life? Become more aware of it, in the sense that you won't always be in fear — no one is. Notice when you're not, and notice what your life is like when you're not.

Notice what your life is like when you're coming from a place of pure compassion or pure wanting to help — in that moment you forget about your problems, you forget about the limitations you put on yourself, you forget about what society says you should or shouldn't do. You're giving because you want to, or loving because you want to. You're not concerned about your bank account when you're giving five pounds to a homeless person. It's a different state of being. Maybe there's a belief somewhere that says we can't always be in this state — that's fine. But just imagine if you could.

This is where the definition of value gets mixed up

And this is where the definition of value gets mixed up. When we're making a decision like a job, for example — a classic one — we make the pros and cons list, and by making that list we define what's valuable to us: what metrics we're going to use to choose A or B. Money's obviously going to be on there. Maybe the perks — I get this dental plan, I get this car. Maybe the people there are nice. It tells you a lot about you when you're deciding on something, because it shows you what you value.

But also ask yourself — maybe you're already doing this — is this list complete? Sure, you may have got the material things down, but what about the more important things? What about the experience? What will the experience be like in both outcomes? What will my level of excitement be like in both outcomes? It really puts the idea of value on its head. Maybe you end up choosing a job with less money because it feels right, because you feel more excited about it. In that way it's the right decision, but if you ask anyone else it's going to be the wrong decision, because they'd say money is the most important thing. Maybe.

So how do you know what is the right decision for you? You have to know why, you have to know what you value, and you have to know where you're coming from. Maybe you've taken five or six different interviews, haven't got any feedback, and someone finally gets back to you. It isn't the best job, you know it's not what you really like, but you choose it because it's the only option. Again — where am I coming from here? Am I coming from a place of I need to be picked, I have no options, this is happening to me? I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm saying be aware of it, because maybe your reality right now is that you need some income and no one else got back to you, so it makes sense to get this job for the time being. But if you're aware of it, then it has a purpose, and the purpose is to get enough money to get you by.

Or maybe you're choosing between jobs, and one is something you've done before, you know what you're doing, it's more comfortable. The other is something you have no idea about, and you honestly didn't even think they'd say yes, but they did. It would require a huge leap of faith and trust in yourself, so maybe you choose the one you're familiar with, even though the new one could be the missing piece, the completely new experience you've been longing for because you felt like you're in a bit of a rut. Again — what do you value, and where are you coming from?

The right decision will feel lighter

I think it's hard not to use your mind when you're making decisions — I'd love it if we could just turn that off and really trust our instincts. It takes some time to build up a connection with your body enough to know what you're feeling, but the right decision for you will feel lighter. It may not feel happier, it may not feel more exciting, it may feel scary as hell — so your default response is that feels scary, that's the wrong decision. But do you feel freer in that decision? Do you feel more of you, the nerves, the fear?

People use this word wrong, I think — fear is not a bad word. You're going to feel fearful even going into a new opportunity that could be the most amazing thing you've ever experienced. There's going to be fear there. So it's okay to operate from fear, but have a purpose behind it — otherwise you're just torturing yourself. If the purpose is, I want to learn this new skill, it's going to require me to forget everything I think I know, to be open to new ways of thinking, to get rejected several times — there's going to be fear there, but you have a bigger purpose behind it.

All this to say: if you're going through some transition in your life, at some sort of crossroads between the life you've been living for a while and the life you could have if you chose it, a way of being you could be one step closer to if you chose it — how do you know you're making the right decision? How do you know you're moving towards that new life and that new person, and not just repeating patterns of behavior that have kept you stuck for years, potentially decades?

I hope the prompts I've suggested help, because at the end of the day you are the only person who will know if something is right or wrong for you. No amount of asking a friend or family or society for advice is going to give you that final piece you're looking for.