Ep.3: Embracing Change: Why Do We Resist and How Can We Overcome it

Episode Transcript

The Only Constant in the Universe

Welcome back to the Wisdom Practice Podcast. This is going to be a fun one, because we're going to cover a topic that is inevitable for everyone. Everyone goes through this, it is the only constant in the universe. You may already know what I'm going to talk about, yet it causes so much fear in nearly everyone. So we're going to talk about why that is, what the consequences of that are, and how we can maybe shift our perspective.

If you haven't already guessed, I want you to think about the word change, and how you feel about it. What's the first thing that comes to your mind? Is it, oh hell yeah, a new perspective, a new experience, maybe I can meet someone new or do something new? Or is it, actually I think I'm okay with where I am right now, I'm quite comfortable, I know how this life situation works, I know what to do, I'd rather stay here?

That by itself gives you a good insight into what your belief is around change. We've already discussed beliefs, and I might go into it a little bit here, but the reason we're talking about change is because it's constant, it's the one thing we all go through as humans. And it's the one thing that, if we have a negative or unhealthy relationship to it, causes challenges in every area of our life. Tackling this proactively can be a really powerful tool to just being happier, more fulfilled, more at peace.

Why We're So Afraid of Change

So the question is, why are we so afraid of change? What is it about change that most people run away from? Then we'll go into the consequences of that and how we can shift our perspective.

The fear of change is essentially a fear of the unknown, because for something to change, in most cases, it involves something new, something we haven't experienced before, something we're not certain about, therefore the unknown. And the mind has a valid reason to fear this, or naturally run away from it, because the mind's job is to protect you. That is its one job, it does not really care, unfortunately for us, if you're happy, at peace, or fulfilled, its job is to keep you alive.

If you go back to primitive times, fear of the unknown is very logical, because if you start wandering around in unknown terrain with unknown animals, it could get you killed. It's not always as dire as that now, thankfully. A lot of the fear we go through isn't fear of physical threat, it's fear of emotional threat. That fear of getting killed by a saber-toothed tiger in primitive ages has now turned into a fear of what someone's going to think of you on the train. That's how that fear is manifested in today's society.

What Fear of Change Costs You

But what are the consequences of having a fear of change? The best way I can say it is, having a fear of change in any form closes you off to what is possible in the universe, what is possible for you, for your life, because you just don't want to go there.

You're very comfortable with what you do, you're very good at it, you have your routines, your job, and you feel very certain about who you are in that situation. Nothing wrong with that. But the one thing it does guarantee is that it won't change until life hits you with a sledgehammer, because life has a way of doing that. Suddenly what you know as your life situation crumbles, maybe you get into an accident, maybe you get fired, maybe you go through a divorce. That's where the pain and the suffering come up, because we've attached ourselves, our identity, to that situation, to that role of I am an employee, I am a husband, I am a wife.

So when things change, and they always change, we become very uncertain, very anxious about who we are now, and that's where the fear kicks in. I can empathize with that because I've been through it. When you build a life for yourself and you're very confident in it, very certain about your role and your competence in that life, thinking about doing something else isn't even on your agenda, because you have something great, something easy to settle for even if it's not your dream, because you're comfortable and certain about it, and that belief reinforces who you think of as yourself. Then when things change, it kicks you out of that.

This is why getting used to, or even open to, the idea of change helps you broaden who you think of as yourself, and makes you more adept to handle whatever life throws at you. Life has a way of taking away things we're really attached to, unfortunately, and if we build our entire identity around that thing, when it goes, it causes serious suffering, because we look through ourselves in that thing, and when it goes, it's like part of us is dying, so of course it's going to be painful.

Building a Foundation of Who You Are Inside

I'm not saying don't attach yourself to things, that's a natural thing we all do, it's what makes life so incredible. But simply developing self-awareness helps you understand who you are, and suddenly, if you know who you are, you don't need the world to validate it, you don't need your job to validate who you are, you don't need a relationship to validate who you are. Those things are still beautiful, still amazing to have, but you're not building yourself around them.

That's one of the amazing things about self-awareness, because suddenly you see yourself in a different light, more whole, and everything you have in this world, whether it's cars or money or anything, becomes a benefit or an add-on, it's not who you think yourself to be.

A great thought experiment for this: imagine you were born in a completely different country, brought up in a different religion, a different family, a different education. Who would you be? Would you still be you? What you think of as the world would be different, what you think of as good and bad could be different. Everything outside of us can change, so it's important to build up a foundation of who we see ourselves as inside ourselves, not outside ourselves.

One way of being more open to change, even excited for it, is to not need that life situation to fill a need inside of you. You don't need the job to tell you you're valuable, you don't need the relationship to tell you you're lovable, you know those things innately, but that's a lifelong process of realizing and uncovering that you are those things by yourself, without life validating it.

What Am I Afraid of Losing?

I want to give you a practical approach to apply right now. If you find yourself resisting change, anxious about change, it is valuable to look at your life and see what it is you're afraid to lose. There's no right or wrong answer, but that's what change is, if you step into a new version of yourself, a new life, a new situation, you have to lose something, part of yourself, part of your old situation. So think about what you're afraid of losing, and why. What is it about my current life situation that reinforces who I think myself to be?

Practice Small Change So You're Ready for Big Change

On the other hand, I want to give you a practical approach to change so you don't have to wait for life to hit you on the head and spin your world upside down to learn how to be open to it. You can be more prepared, because we all know there's going to be a time in our life when something big happens, it's natural for everyone.

So the tool is simply to practice it. Practice small change and build up, so that when something big does happen, you're more certain in yourself that you know how to deal with change. This works because most of us are very used to a certain set of actions per day, a certain routine, and we repeat it every day, same food, same clothes, same job, same car, same everything. So your body and mind get used to a very finite way of living, and very comfortable with it.

The thing with the mind is it becomes very efficient at what it needs to do, and the one thing your mind loves is efficiency. If it knows this is all it has to do in life, this is the program, this is the routine, it knows it only needs resources for this block of actions, and it throws out the resources for anything else, because it doesn't need it, it's not going to waste energy maintaining those resources. If you don't use it, you lose it, and it's true, because the mind doesn't like to waste energy on this kind of thing.

This becomes an issue, because over time your mind becomes less and less able to deal with anything outside the scope of your routine, outside the scope of your life, and your perspective gets smaller and smaller, because your entire life is this set of routines. Then when you want to change, you don't have the resources to do it, and the fear kicks in, because the doubt of can I really do this is so different to what I know myself as. Yes, you can get those resources back and learn to become someone new, but it's more difficult, because you haven't used that part of your brain in a long time.

So the simple act of practicing change, opening yourself up to new experiences, keeps a part of your brain active and allows your perspective to widen. Then if you lose something, you're a lot more certain of your ability to get it back or fill that need. If you expand your horizons even a little, become more open to the unknown, it doesn't have to be something terrifying, it could be trying a new food, a new hobby, going to that place you keep meaning to go but never do, or meeting those people you keep meaning to make time for but never do.

Making that a consistent habit expands your sense of self, who you think yourself to be, and your competence at life, because you're able to handle different situations. Then when something happens, you have a higher level of confidence in yourself, and I promise it becomes a lot easier to handle that change, rather than if all you know is your work, and your entire life is eat, sleep, commute, work, and then you lose that job. You haven't got as much to fall back on, and your life changes so rapidly that you lose sense of self, and that's where the doubts and fears kick in.

So just that one thing, I know it's simple, I know it's obvious, but when you really get into why it works, it's so powerful, because being open to new experiences is the only way to be able to handle the unknown. I really hope this episode has been helpful, especially if you or someone you know is going through change or loss, because the most painful form of change is loss, and if what I've said helps even a little, then I'm happy, and I'd love to hear more about how putting these tools into practice changes your life.