Ep.28: Transcending limiting beliefs

Episode Transcript

How do you overcome a limiting belief?

There's a belief you're aware of - this one way of thinking that's stopping you from becoming the version of you that you want to become, from reaching the goal you've been staring at for six months without making the progress you wanted, or the lifestyle you have on your vision board that you don't even know how to start building. When you're actually in a situation that could help you get there, you shrink, or you self-sabotage, or you second-guess, or you talk yourself out of it.

It's just that voice in your head telling you maybe I can't do this, maybe this isn't right for me, or maybe it's just a feeling of this isn't me. It's all because of that one belief - I'm not confident enough, why should they listen to me? I'm not smart enough, why should they listen to me? And if you just got over that, you'd have a real chance of becoming the person you want to become. That's exactly what I want to talk about in this episode: how do you overcome a belief?

Beliefs are funny things. They literally make up the way we see ourselves, the people around us, the way we act, the way we think, even the way we feel about ourselves. So in quite a literal way, our beliefs are us. When I say how do you change a limiting belief, what I'm really saying is how do you change yourself - into the person who doesn't have that belief, who is reaching the targets they want to reach, living the lifestyle they want to live?

I'm going to share the step-by-step process - not only the thought process you need to start overcoming these beliefs, but also the practical steps to reinforce that. I want you to leave this episode with a clear next step, an actual clear picture of what to do now. That's the most important thing, because there are so many talks about beliefs and limiting beliefs that aren't always practical and don't always make sense. I want this to make sense to you.

What a belief actually is

Before we begin, the first thing I want to do is define what a belief actually is, practically, in a way that's easy to understand - because the word is so overused, especially in the self-help and personal development space, that I think it's lost some meaning. I want to bring it down a notch and explain it practically.

The one thing we as humans are really good at is giving meaning to something - an object, a thing, a place, a person - and then using that meaning to decide how we're going to react to it, how we're going to feel about it, how we're going to act. Giving a meaning like "sharp things are dangerous" or "failure is really bad." We do that because it's a fundamental part of how we learn as humans.

Say you're a toddler and there's a nail poking out and you run against it and cut yourself. It's painful. So you learn to associate that pain with that sharp object - something sharp equals pain, so you can avoid it in future. Or you're watching someone do something important, like a speech, and they completely mess it up and everyone laughs at them. You can empathise with that person, understand how they're feeling, and make the connection: if I fail at something, people will laugh at me, therefore it's bad.

Belief versus fact

There's a really important distinction I want you to make here, and it's the one that will decide whether you overcome your limiting beliefs or not: understanding a belief compared to a fact. Subconsciously we treat all our beliefs as facts, because they come from our experience. We know that in the past, when we failed at something, it caused pain, so to us it's a fact, because it's based on something true. Our brain is trying to make connections based on our experience to help us navigate the future.

But some of the associations the brain makes aren't always a hundred percent true. It assumes based on what it experienced, because maybe in that situation we didn't have all the information. The brain saw that person fail the speech and everyone laugh, and based on that it assumes failing at something is bad, because that's the only common denominator it saw. That belief is then reinforced by other experiences, but just because it happened in that one situation doesn't mean every time someone fails at a speech, people will laugh at them. It doesn't mean failure is always bad - it may have been bad in that one situation, that's how we perceived it, but that doesn't mean it applies to every situation in life.

Compare that to something more fundamental, like cutting yourself and it hurting - that's closer to fact, because no matter where you go or what you do, if you cut yourself on something sharp, it's probably going to hurt. So there are times it serves you to treat your experience as fact, because it stops you getting cut again. But there are also times worth analysing - did I make any assumptions here? Did my brain make any jumps that might cause me to act differently in future? Because from that point on, the kid who watched that speech might never want to give a speech again, might be terrified of public speaking because of that one event, and that could hold them back in business, in any area of life, because of the belief that failure is bad.

This is where we need some critical thinking, because when we're younger we haven't learned those tools yet, so whatever we see we take as fact, and it gets reinforced as we get older through different experiences. The only reason your brain created the association in the first place was to learn from its environment and protect you - so having that belief could actually have served you. It may be true that if you fail, people will laugh at you, and the belief is trying to protect you from that. But as we grow older and things change, the very belief that protected us when we were younger can end up limiting us when we're older - because trying something new, giving a speech, doing that scary thing, might be exactly what you need to reach the next level of your business or get a promotion. But your brain is still operating from that younger mind of, if I do this I'm going to fail and it's going to hurt.

That's the only reason we call it a limiting belief - based on who I am right now and what I want to achieve, that belief is now holding me back, whereas before it was protecting me. So it's not a bad thing to have a limiting belief. It doesn't mean you're not worthy, it doesn't mean you can't do it, it doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means you have to rewire something so you can try something new, something you now decide serves you.

Reframing it with self-compassion

So the next question is, if this belief that protected me in the past is now limiting me, how do I overcome it? I want you to frame it like that, because it gives you self-compassion, rather than the constant thought of "this thing's holding me back, I suck, I can't believe this is happening to me" - because that narrative isn't true. It's just that the goals you're looking to achieve now aren't in line with the beliefs you had in the past. Realising that gives you a lot of self-compassion. It's not that something's wrong with me, it's just this belief I have to tweak. It doesn't make me who I am.

How do we actually overcome it?

This is the fun part, now that the lecture's out of the way. The key is that same distinction: is this a fact, or is it a belief? Remember, a belief is just a meaning, a feeling of certainty that if X happens, it causes Y - if X happens, it means Y.

The best way to overcome a limiting belief is to do a thought experiment: critically analyse whether there's any situation, any circumstance, any experience where X happens and Y doesn't follow. You're trying to work out whether this is a belief or a fact, because a fact, no matter what situation you put it in, always happens. It doesn't matter where on earth you throw a ball, it's going to land - that's a fact. Compare that to a belief: is there any situation where if I fail at something, it's actually not bad, it's actually good?

This is where a bit of imagination is useful. Going back to the speech example - for all we know, that person failing and being laughed at was the best thing that ever happened to them. It may have given them the inspiration, the motivation, the grit to improve, to keep trying, and eventually reach their dream. We just don't know. So is it better to assume that being laughed at means you're worthless, or that it could be the catalyst that makes you the version of yourself you dream of?

Do this with your own beliefs. You have to be aware of the belief for this to work, and it comes in phases, because the more aware you are, the more awareness it leads to - this is literally why I teach self-awareness. If you have a belief you're aware of, put it into the scientific method. Test it in different situations, different environments, around different people, at different times. You're trying to get repeatable results, and if you can't - even if there's one situation where failing might not be bad - you've undercut your entire belief. That's how you reframe things, how you choose what to focus on. Maybe your belief goes from "failure is bad" to "failure teaches me more than success does." It's all a matter of perspective, and then you can reinforce that.

Pick a belief and run the experiment

I want you to pick a belief you truly know is holding you back from the next level in your life. Maybe it's "I'm not smart enough to go on that stage," maybe it's "I'm not desirable enough to ask that person out." Run the experiment and see what results you get.

There's a reason I'm being this practical about it: when you have a belief about yourself, it's very difficult to see yourself any other way. That belief is part of you - it shaped the decisions, the feelings, the thoughts that got you to where you are now. So you can't just say "I'm not going to think that anymore." You have to scientifically dismantle it, by proving it wrong repeatedly and reinforcing that through action.

Once you've found a situation where the belief isn't true - say, the speech example, "I can't give a speech because it's scary, I'll stumble or fail" - find a situation where that's not true. Have you ever given a speech, loosely defined, that didn't cause you to fail? Maybe you told a great story to ten friends and were perfectly fine, or gave a meeting at work and were fine. Now you're slowly dismantling the belief that it's always true, and through that you start to understand what's really holding you back. You may have thought public speaking itself was the problem, but you've given speeches to friends, at work, and were fine - so what else could it be? Why are you scared of giving a speech in a hall but not to your friends? What's the difference? Is it that they'll judge you? That they don't know you? That it's a different topic?

That's how self-inquiry works, and the more you do it the more you pinpoint what's really holding you back - because there's a reason you feel scared, and it may just be a belief from when you were younger that speeches are bad or cause failure. As soon as you try it and realise it isn't the case anymore, the belief disappears. This is where action comes in, because action can be the fastest way to gain a new perspective. Maybe as soon as you get on that stage you realise you're not actually scared at all, and you shift perspective - and therefore belief - in a matter of seconds. And even if you get on the stage and you are still scared, you've done enough self-inquiry to get more clarity on why: would I still be scared in front of friends? Would I still be scared giving a speech on a different topic?