Ep.25: Why 'Thinking Positive' Is bad for you

Episode Transcript

Positivity Isn't Always Good for You

Welcome back to the Wisdom of Practice podcast. In today's episode I want to go over why, in certain cases, more often than you think, being positive can be the worst thing you can do. I know it sounds crazy, because we're all told, especially in manifestation spaces, that it's a must. But this episode is more of a self-exploration of what's really happening there, and whether it's actually the best choice to be positive.

Now, I know that sounds crazy, because positivity is supposed to be the cure, the one thing you can do to make your life better, guaranteed - especially in manifestation spaces or even self-awareness spaces. We're told your thoughts create your reality, so if you want a certain result, think more positively. I understand completely why you might think that.

But let me ask you: has there ever been a time in your life where being positive actually made things worse - for you or for someone else? Imagine you've had a really tough day at work, you're exhausted, and you still have to maintain this smile, this positivity, thinking positive thoughts, trying to focus on the bright side. As soon as you go home, you just crash completely, because you've been maintaining this almost facade, for your own benefit and for those around you. But you know it's a facade, and that's the mistake people make when trying to be more positive.

Using Positivity as a Cloak

They use their willpower to escape something else, use it as a cloak to hide something else - if I just focus over here, it'll be fine. It's like saying there's a fire in my house on this side, but if I focus in the kitchen I'll be okay, it's not here yet. If I just look this way, I won't see it, therefore it's not there. And positivity, because of that, can become very toxic very quickly.

In this episode I want to explore what to do if that's happening to you, if positivity feels like it's making things more difficult and exhausting - and when it is appropriate to be positive, and when it's more appropriate to do something else.

The reason it can be so detrimental is that when you're spending every day writing down better thoughts you want to think, focusing on the bright side, trying to be more positive - and then a week passes, a month passes, a year passes, and you're still feeling terrible - it really feels like every single day you have to roll a ball up a hill to show up as this positive, joyful person, while some part of you knows it's all fake. Doing that all the time is very exhausting.

We're told thinking positive is the cure-all, so when the magic pill isn't working for you, what then? Is something wrong with me, or have I completely misunderstood what's going on here? It's the same as someone who's worked their entire life to become successful, and let's say they reach that point - they have everything they want, can buy whatever they want, have an amazing family, every single measure of success the world tells us we should want - and they're still unhappy, still exhausted, still anxious all the time.

At least when you haven't got those things, your mind can trick you into thinking, when I get there I'll be okay, it's okay if I'm not fine right now. It's the illusion of the future. But when we're there, and we have everything, and we're still not happy - then what do we do?

Maybe the Question Is How to Make Positivity My Baseline

I think the biggest misconception around positivity is that it's something to achieve, something we have to reach, and I think that's how we're taught to think about it. If you want to be happy, you do these certain things - a bucket list of whatever - and somewhere in society we're conditioned that if you do these things, you'll be happy.

But look at any kid - what's normally their natural state? They're pretty much always happy. I don't have kids, so don't take my word for it, but they're always excited, jumping around, joyful. So it makes you think: maybe the question isn't how can I become more positive? Maybe the question is how can I make positivity my baseline? Because kids haven't ticked off a checklist to be happy. They haven't got rules in their head that say, if these things happen, if the stars align, then I can feel this way. That's something we're taught later to believe.

A great way to understand that for yourself: get some paper out and write down what needs to happen for you to be happy. Let your mind go crazy, let everything come out. If you can't think of anything, look in your past for a time you were happy, and think about what happened, what situation, what circumstances were present.

We have so many rules - I need to have this car, I need to look this way, I need my job to be secure, I need whatever - maybe ten different rules, and we believe that when these are met, we can be happy. Ask the same question to a 10-year-old and what do you think their response would be? I don't know, a cardboard box and a pen will do. These things are all taught to us, all conditioned into us.

You Can't Break Your Way From Scarcity to Abundance

So we're at a place where we believe these things - which is okay, we all do, we've all been conditioned that way - and we have to work hard to be positive, do all these things to be positive. That requires effort, so we use all our energy and willpower to get back to where we want to be. But our default state is anxious or sad - which is okay, they serve a purpose too, there's no such thing as a positive or negative emotion.

It's like your emotional home, as Tony Robbins calls it, is anxious, is suffering, and we're trying to run to happiness, but we have an elastic band around our waist. We get to a certain point, and as soon as we let go, as soon as we stop running, we go right back. That's where suffering comes in, because we put so much work into being happy and it's just not working. We think, well, maybe this world can't make me happy, maybe something's wrong with me.

But to reframe it: the only reason our emotional home is that place of anxiety is because of those beliefs, those rules in our head that say, for me to be happy this has to happen, this has to happen, this has to happen. So is it a better idea to try to jump through all these hoops, or is it a better idea to try to actually get rid of the hoops? It may not be as fast, as tangible, but slowly you're pulling that default emotional home closer to what you want it to be. Rather than using all your effort to get to positivity every day and then crashing, you're moving your home, so to speak, rather than making your commute longer and longer.

This is the biggest reframe we have to make. Positivity isn't a goal, isn't something to get. There's a reason a child's default state is happiness and joy - they don't work for it, yet it's always there. You may have a friend who's just always happy, and it doesn't seem like they're putting work into it - it's just kind of the default. Meanwhile we're on the other side trying to work our way to positivity. It's the same thing with scarcity and abundance - you can't break your way through scarcity to get to abundance. There's no bridge there. You have to start on abundance.

It Takes Energy to Project This Identity

To put this more practically: using positivity as a facade is toxic, not because positivity is toxic, but because we're faking it. We're not being authentic, we're acting as someone else our entire life. How can you feel loved or happy or safe when you're acting as someone else? You don't even feel like the real you is being heard or seen - it's just trapped there, because we've been told that being positive is more important than being real.

That takes energy - energy to project this identity to the world. Then you wonder why, as soon as you open the door coming home from work, the energy just drains from your body, and you wonder why you're so lazy, so lethargic when you get home. Is it your home? No - it's actually a good thing, because it's the one place you feel safe to be you. It's just that you haven't given that any attention, because the entire day the real you has been putting on a mask to the rest of the world.

When you use positivity or happiness to avoid something else, it's the same as drugs, alcohol, or any other vice - you do it to avoid something else, and no matter the method or the vehicle, it's going to be toxic. You could use working out as a means to avoid the way you feel about yourself - that's in itself a positive thing, but in this context it's negative.

Being Sad Doesn't Lead to More Sadness

I understand, because it takes a lot of courage to peel back and really look at what's going on. The most important thing is realizing that being sad, being negative, being whatever, is okay. Because if you still believe positivity is the way to go, you're not going to let yourself breathe, not going to let yourself show up as you, because it's too dangerous - it's going to make me sad, depressed. And it makes sense you'd think that, because being sad seems like it would lead to more sadness. But that's the contradiction. Being sad doesn't lead to more sadness.

The biggest thing you can do for yourself is start breaking that one belief - that positivity is the answer, because it's not. To give you an extreme example: imagine someone you really cared about just died. How would people react if the next day you were at work, smiling, joking, doing all the things you normally do to be positive? What's wrong with you? Why are you being positive? You shouldn't be.

If you feel guilty being sad - which is a completely okay thing to feel - after being taught to be positive, feeling anything other than that can feel like a betrayal, like you're sliding into depression. But realize that embracing negativity doesn't mean you are negative or a failure. You know when the doctor says it's going to feel worse before it feels better? That's exactly the case now. It's difficult, because you don't want to open that door, because you may not come back, and that's the fear.

But if you stay in positivity to avoid how you're actually feeling, you will feel better in the short term, because you're avoiding it, focusing on something else. But over time you will wear down and slowly feel even worse, without even knowing why. This is shadow work - the best thing you can do for yourself is embrace that part of yourself. I know it's much easier said than done, but you can't change something you can't see. And after you look at it, you can do something to change it.

You don't have to sit there forever - I think the biggest worry is that if you open that door and look at that part of yourself, you'll be sad forever, you'll be stuck in that state. No - you only have to look at it and accept it, to understand what's going on so you can make a more conscious choice next time. You don't have to sit with that emotion for days on end crying. If that's what it takes, that's fine, but recognize that you have the power to change it.

The Fear of the Person You Were

The biggest way to reinforce that belief is recognizing that most of the things you'll find behind that door happened a long time ago. The reason it's there is because when you were that age, when it happened, you didn't know how to deal with it - you didn't have the resources, the experience, whatever - and you just held onto it. It's been there ever since.

But let me ask you: are you the same person you were when you were 10? Or 15? Or 7? Whenever this thing happened - or even 25? Just because we couldn't deal with it at that age doesn't mean we can't deal with it now. The fear that comes with that emotion, that event, isn't our fear - it's the fear of the person we were, the 10-year-old, the 15-year-old, the 7-year-old coming back. And we think, I can't deal with this, there's so much emotion here. But it's actually just that version of you that's still hurting. The only difference is now you're a different person - you have more resources, more skill, more experience. Maybe you can find a way to deal with it now. Time isn't so linear - by healing it now, you're healing it back then.

You'll Know

So to bring it full circle: being positive isn't bad. But when you use it to avoid something, that's when things get exhausting. So by all means, be positive, think great thoughts, because that does have a part to play in manifestation or just in being happy. But when you're using it to avoid something deeper, no amount of positivity can deal with that trauma. You have to deal with it at the level at which it was made.

And you'll know. You'll know if being positive is actually making things worse for you - if when you come home you're exhausted, if you feel a bit lost, a bit in the air, without much sense of self, putting up positivity to maintain appearances while still feeling like you don't really know what's going on. So you'll know.

If you feel that way, sit down and be open with yourself. It doesn't mean you have to deal with it right now if you're not ready to - that's fine. But at least be aware that there's something deeper there, because just being aware that this is happening because of something specific takes a lot of the pressure off, a lot of the confusion of why is this happening, why do I feel exhausted, bored, lethargic all the time.

So sit down with yourself and ask: what am I holding down? What belief is there? What trauma is there, whatever it is, that I'm using energy to maintain? Or go with the approach of asking why you feel the need to be positive around certain people specifically, when you feel like you have to maintain appearances. If you go deeper into that, ask yourself why - why am I scared to show them me being sad, or crying, or frustrated? At least that will give you some awareness of what's going on. Again, it doesn't mean you have to deal with it right now if you're not ready to. But if you're not opening the door yet, you're at least looking through the window.