Ep.19: The way we let our experiences define us

Episode Transcript

Welcome back to the Wisdom Practice Podcast. If you feel like you're stuck with the weight of others' opinions, with the weight of how people see you, despite maybe having an amazing way of looking at yourself, an amazing self-image, no one sees you the same way you see yourself. This episode is going to get into how we actually define ourselves, and why we don't have to let our experiences or the people around us affect the way we see ourselves.

Not because of some immense courage and ability to not let it affect us, but by recognizing that we are so different in different parts and times of our life that it really isn't fair to define ourselves based on a single situation or a single opinion.

Are You Looking to the World to Tell You Who You Are?

Do you look to the world, or society, or the people around you, to tell you that you're making the right decisions in your life? To tell you that you're not wasting your time? To tell you that you're a good person, that you're smart, lovable, that you're reacting the right or appropriate way? Even to tell you if you're thinking the right thoughts. In other words, are you looking to the world to tell you who you are?

Part of you may be saying, well, no, I make my own choices for my own reasons, I don't let anyone else influence that decision. If you're thinking that, it's amazing that you're taking responsibility for your life. But go deeper into that question and ask yourself, is it really true? And if it is true, is it even a bad thing? Is it a bad thing to let the world define whether we're smart or worthy? Where's the line between getting feedback from the world so we can improve ourselves, and needing the world to validate us, to accept us, to see us?

For those of you who have experienced that need to be validated, you know how much suffering it causes when someone shuts down an idea you have, doesn't validate you, doesn't see things the way you do, or rejects you. It not only makes you feel a certain way, it fundamentally shifts the way you see yourself, because feeling isn't the issue, you're allowed to feel whatever you want to feel. If you're in a meeting at work and you have a great idea and someone shuts it down, you're allowed to feel hurt, annoyed, frustrated.

From "This Made Me Feel" to "I Am"

But my question for you is, do you let that feeling turn into a belief about yourself, a self-image? Now it's no longer, well, this made me feel really dumb, it's, this happened to me because I'm dumb, or I must be dumb because this happened. It's the shift from "this made me feel" to "I am." And I think that's where the line is, because the world is there to give us feedback. The people around us are there to help us learn about ourselves, to help us reflect on the way we acted, what we said, our behaviors, the way we see things.

You could spend your entire life in your room and build up a majestic self-image about who you think you are. But the minute you go outside and actually test it, it could all fall apart, because you've had no feedback to support it. There's nothing wrong with that, it's a fundamental part of how we improve, how we get better. But what happens when we start to identify with our experiences? What happens when we think our behaviors, our actions, are us? So when we do something dumb or stupid or ignorant, as we all do, it's no longer a dumb experience or a dumb action, it's, we are dumb.

What Happened to Freddy?

But is that really fair? Because everyone acts differently, the same person can act so differently depending on the scenario they're in. You may have had friends for decades, and you see them in a new situation, and they're a completely different person, what happened to Freddy? They're completely different. Does that make them different? If someone is really confident and outgoing at work, but in their social life they're a bit timid or shy, are they confident, or are they shy?

This is the thing we get wrong, this is what we forget, that we are bigger than how we feel, bigger than how we act. You can have the same person, put them in two different situations, and they'll act completely differently. But we let our experiences dictate our self-image, and we let the opinions of others dictate the way we see ourselves, without ever really questioning if that behavior was a true reflection of ourselves. I don't think any behavior can be a true reflection of ourselves, because we are bigger than our experiences.

We've all had experiences where we felt dumb or felt not accepted, the question is, do you let that become part of your identity? It's a funny thing, because that same person who's really charismatic and confident at work, but really shy and anxious in their private life, someone who only knows them at work, when asked what they're like, will say charismatic, confident, funny. But someone who only knows them in private life, asked the exact same question, will say, yeah, he's really anxious, doesn't talk much, I think he's quite insecure. It's all about what we focus on, what that person chooses to see, rather than who we actually are.

And that goes in two layers: are we expressing ourselves the way we want to be perceived, and what is that person choosing to see? Because everyone sees things through their own belief. Freddie could think of himself as really confident, or he could think of himself as really shy, his brain just disregards all the confident, charismatic things he said at work and chooses to focus on the anxious, timid version of him that comes out when he's socializing.

So if you have a belief that you're awkward, or shy, or anything you don't believe is serving you, is it really true? Can you find an instance in your life where that belief wasn't true? And if so, is it really fair that you're holding onto it? Is it really a true representation of you?

The World Isn't Static, and Neither Are You

You may have known someone at uni, been really good friends with them, then not seen them in 20 years, when you meet up again, that person is still seeing the you from uni, not the you now. When asked what you're like, they'll base their answer on who you were at uni. And even someone who knows you really well now will still see you through their own beliefs, through what they choose to focus on.

What I'm trying to say is the world isn't static, and you aren't static. You aren't this way or that way. So people's opinions of you really have no reflection on you, not truly. It might explain why you see yourself a certain way and no one around you sees you the same way, and that's really frustrating, because you see yourself through your own beliefs the same way they see you through theirs, and through the experiences they've had with you.

That can be a really amazing thing, because it means you get more perspectives on how you're expressing yourself, and you can use that to make changes if you want to. You don't have to take what they're saying as gospel, could be anyone, not just someone who's known you for years, could be your parents, siblings, partner. In a very compassionate way, what they're saying about you has no reflection on you. I don't mean ignore those around you because they have no idea what they're talking about, I mean have compassion that they're seeing it through their own lens, the same way you'll see others through your own lens, your own fears, your own desires.

Chinese Whispers

The way you express yourself depends on who you're with, where you are, how you're feeling, what triggers are there. And the way people see you is based not only on their experience of you, but also on the way they see you through their own beliefs. So is it really fair to start defining yourself through essentially Chinese whispers, saying you're a certain way because of a certain situation?

What happens then is you attach yourself to that situation, that experience, and say, I am this. And the mind creates more of it, because you are that way, it starts to take actions and think and feel in ways that are in line with that. So next time you're at work, making an important phone call or presenting an important meeting, and you start stumbling over your words, everything goes wrong, and you're sat there thinking, wow, I'm really dumb, I'm useless, is that really a fair way of looking at yourself? If you were talking about someone else who made the same mistake, would you judge them the way you judge yourself?

This is what we do. And yes, people's opinions of us, the world's view of us, can help, it can give us more perspectives on ourselves, because they see us through their own beliefs. But we don't have to define our worth on those opinions. It doesn't mean we ignore people or judge them because they only see us through their beliefs and therefore have no idea what they're talking about, remember, we see others the same way, through our own beliefs. So there's no right or wrong way of seeing or defining things, it's what you choose to focus on.

Learning Chess Like an AI

You can choose in the moment to say, I am this way, this is just who I am, but know that if you do, you'll make more of it. Or you can say, well, this is an experience, what can I learn from this, yes I did these things wrong or made these mistakes, okay. You don't have to attach your worth to it.

It's just like if you've ever seen an AI try to learn chess or any game, the first, I'd say, million moves are completely wrong. It makes mistake after mistake after mistake, because it's learning the rules, learning how to play, learning how to experience this new situation. That's what we're doing. The only difference is the AI doesn't attach its self-worth to all those mistakes. Every situation you're in is a new situation, a new experience, whether you've done it a million times before or not. So I treat it as an opportunity.